having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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