my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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