Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
