You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The uberlube is also flammable
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
