I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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