Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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