happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
