so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
