I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
