Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
