So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Your penis caused this!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
