I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize