yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
