Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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