I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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