He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
