when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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