He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
