I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
