I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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