I think scott just propositioned me for sex
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
