i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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