Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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