Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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