My friends, they love my intelligence
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize