i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
