I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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