I hate your face
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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