i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
