This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sext me about skeletons
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
