So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
