shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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