Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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