yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
last night I used snow as a chaser
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
