A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
