You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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