i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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