I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize