I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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