mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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