Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
