I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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