so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
is it fun? or sober?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
