just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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