Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
