um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
