So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
