I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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