This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
