if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
