Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
