Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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