I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
