You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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