I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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