i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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