my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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