I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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