it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
