life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize