i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
