My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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