i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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