He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just found puke in my bra..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
