coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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