nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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