if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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