just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
